Particle
by Foreman Grillwalker
Summary: James and Lily are neither friends nor foes. James becomes interested in the fact that in six years of schooling together, they never really spoke. It's been almost a year since I last updated. My apologies. Chapter 11
1. Two of US

I walked over to the door. I never really looked serious about leaving, and he knew that. He always did let me have my tantrums and I loved and hated him for it. But then, that's how it was with everything about James.  
  
"Ugh! How do you always know that I'm not going to leave?" I turned around just as upset with myself as I was with him five minutes earlier. He grinned his Cheshire Cat grin, which I felt just as contradictory about and came over to me.   
  
"You said it yourself one day. You don't remember?" He searched my eyes as he came up and took the books out of my hand. "You said, and I quote, 'James, I'll never let you get the better of me. It's just tutoring, therefore, you're not going to get under my skin.' I imagine that's probably it. You don't have it in you to actually let yourself get that mad at me." As much as he was my friend, our relationship had always been one that consisted of witty banter back and forth. It only developed beyond that after he had asked me for help with his schoolwork. So for the past two months, almost every single Sunday night, I've been up in the boys' dorms, ready to walk out.   
  
"I did say that didn't I? Hmm, well, maybe I do have it in me." We both knew I wasn't going anywhere. He knew it especially. I, on the other hand, still entertained the notion that I had it in me to do anything and he was being such a jackass that I should walk out, despite the promise I made to help him. Whenever that thought came up-the promise-that's when my resolve would start to diminish. I would doubt my exasperation. I would start to ask myself if I really was that angry? If it hadn't gotten to points like this before and I was able to handle myself? And the same answers always came back to me. I was always able to keep my self-control. I was always an easygoing person; not too many people were able to get a rise out of me. That is, until I met James. Not that I didn't enjoy his company. The bickering was a nice change from what I always got. I never had a problem with anyone, therefore, no one had a problem with me. This made life very boring. James was a fresh breeze that was greatly appreciated-sometimes.  
  
"Well, maybe...I didn't really mean what I said and I'm sorry." He batted his eyelashes and gave me a puppy-dog face. "C'mon Lil, you know I'm only kidding around with you. Do we really have to go through this EVERY Sunday?" Now this I found funny. It was his fault that it got to this point every week. He knew it just as much as I did. I smirked slightly at his annoyed tone.   
  
"Who are you to get annoyed with this newly instated ritual? Honestly, you are the reason that I go for the door every week. You should know that. Every week you touch a nerve. If you really wanted to stop this, then you would just act...normal for once. I don't think a day has gone by where you and I have had a conversation that didn't involve repartee." This blazed my anger again, and I turned to reach for the door. My efforts were thwarted by James leaning all his weight on the door.   
  
"Aw, Lily, you know I'm only messing around with you, though. That's why I do it. I can't do this with anyone else. I don't know any other girls in the whole of this school who would even be able to put up with my constant quips, never mind come back with a snappy retort. That's what I love. I just thought it was amazing that I found someone who could keep up,' He came close and whispered, "but if you really want me to stop, then I'll stop." I didn't know what to say. I did enjoy the jesting; it kept me on my toes. But sometimes it got to be too much.  
  
"Ok, to be honest, James, sometimes...it's a little too much. I mean, I enjoy our mental combat too, but you always take it too far, or you say something that's just out of line." I figured honesty was the best policy. He nodded patronizingly and this only made me angrier. "And your condescension is unbearable sometimes. It makes me feel like you have to take it easy on me because I'm a girl, because I can't handle it. Well this may be true, I can't handle it sometimes, but maybe that's because you're just a full-blown jackass!" This caught him off guard so I was able to open the door and make my way out. Did I really have a reason to be that mad? If you knew James, and how he constantly belittled people, then you would've been sick of it by then too.  
  
I made my way down to the common room where I flopped down into a chair, angry with myself for letting him get the better of me and angry at James for just...being James as usual. It really was quite silly for me to let him do that but I had had enough. I ripped open my potions text and collected myself. I leafed through the pages until I came to where I had folded the essay that I was in the middle of. I began to get lost in the different kinds of mushrooms used in a certain kind of potion when I looked up. It had been two hours already. I smiled inwardly at the fact that no matter how upset I got with James the wonderful thing was that I didn't care enough to let it keep me from doing other things. Unfortunately, that was sometimes a double-edged sword.  
  
"You still mad at me?"   
  
I didn't expect to here that voice, nor was I prepared to ignore it so my initial response was, "Angry about what?...Oh..Oh! Well, yes, James you really did piss me off." Since I didn't really sound pissed to begin with, it didn't work.   
  
"Right, that's why you couldn't even remember why you would be mad at me." He smirked at me and I couldn't help but smile, even though I was a bit annoyed. He got up from the chair he had set himself in and came over to sit next to me. "C'mon Lily, I didn't mean to look condescending. I took what you said to heart, I swear. I do realize that I get a little carried away sometimes. You're not the first person to tell me this. Hell, even Sirius tells me this and he's worse than I am usually." He rested his head on my shoulder. He never was this affectionate usually, but I guess he saw that he had really ticked me off this time.   
  
"No, no. The whole puppy-dog routine doesn't fly with me buddy. I would appreciate it if you would stop trying to win me over with affection." I looked down to see him looking up from my shoulder, his head tilted. He really did look cute, but he was a jackass, first and foremost. He wrapped his arms around me and sighed.  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about Lily. What do you mean, win you over with affection? I know you would never be swayed to anything so juvenile." This was all new to me. James and I were never even friends before this school year. I started to feel a little uncomfortable, which I was so thankful for since it kept me from becoming a giddy girl soaking up any and all attention thrown her way. I sat back, making his head fall from my shoulder. I thought this would deter him, but he only grinned widely.  
  
"Look Lil, I'm sorry for what was said and what I did. We still on for next week?" After a moment of feigning consideration, I nodded. "Oh, good. I'm so glad. I think I'm going to be up to bed now. Thanks for an interesting night." With that he gave me a hug and made his way upstairs. I furrowed my brow in anger. Why did I feel that way? I was a young woman. Seventeen years old. Women didn't entertain girly notions and silly thoughts that I was trying to keep from running through me. I shook it out of me and glanced at the clock again. I decided that it was rather late for a Sunday night and I would have to continue the essay tomorrow. 


	2. Riding Nowhere

I found myself in considerably better spirits the next day. When I woke, it was to the sound of the birds on my windowsill. It was still rather early for none of my dorm-mates were up yet. I dressed and made my way downstairs, potions text in hand. If I could finish it by the end of breakfast, that would lighten my load for the whole day. As I entered the great hall I suddenly struck any thought of being productive out of my head. James was sitting at the table, looking blindly through a magazine. It was stupid to think that I could possibly avoid being seen by him and it was also stupid to think that I would actually be able to get anything done with him there. I gave a sigh of resignation and headed for the table. I found some older girls who I was friends with and sat with them. This would only prolong the inevitable, but there was always the slight chance that he might not have seen me.   
  
"Hello sunshine. We're up a little early aren't we?" So much for that idea. I could hear the smile in his voice despite the fact that I refused to look up from my essay. Come hell or high water I was going to finish this essay.  
  
"Hello James. If you hadn't noticed, I'm a tad bit busy." I was praying that he would get the hint. I really didn't feel like being nasty to anyone this early in the morning. It's not natural.  
  
"Oh, the potions essay. Oh yes, that certainly was dreadful. Did mine yesterday, you want some help?" After a minute amount of consideration I assented and within ten minutes, the rest of my essay was completed. Whether it was right or not, was a different story altogether, but for some strange reason, I trusted that he would never give me false information.   
  
"Thanks a bunch. Now that this is done, I can actually use this time to eat breakfast. I'm surprised that you, of all people did your essay early. What got into you?" Innocent as I thought the question was, James took on a somewhat surprised, hurtful look. I supposed that it was rather presumptuous of me to think that he never studied or was completely incompetent. I mean, I really didn't know him that well at all.  
  
"Just because I can be a jackass doesn't mean that I don't do any work. I gotta be able to keep up with you somehow," he smirked, "now if you would like to join me for a walk after you finish your breakfast..." The fact of the matter was, I didn't enjoy this much attention from James and he knew it. He loved to see me squirm. He knew I didn't like the same sort of stuff as most other girls and girly stuff made me quite uncomfortable. I knew what he was up to. I knew what that smile was about.   
  
"As awkward and unappealing as a walk sounds, James, I'm gonna have to decline the offer. I filled my quota for awkward already this month thanks. Besides, it's freezing outside. If you hadn't noticed, it is December. But thanks all the same." I smiled curtly and went back to my toast. There was a moment of unbearable silence. I wasn't sure if he was hurt, if he was spacing out, or what was going on.   
  
"I've got a question for you though. Let me ask you, why...why would that make you uncomfortable?" I cursed myself repeatedly for ever giving the impression that I would let anything be uncomfortable between he and I. Now I had to figure out a way to make it seem as though I really didn't care and I just didn't feel like walking. Just as I was going to dig myself deeper into this hole, Sirius jumped onto James' back completely throwing him off guard. I took this time to slip a half-hearted excuse to Remus and made my exit quickly. I hated being asked things like that outright. It was always difficult for me to ever respond and look the least bit intelligent due to the involuntary blushing that would commence once the question was said.   
  
Through painstaking efforts, I was able to avoid James for the rest of the day and the rest of the week for that matter. Every time he would come to talk to me, I would begin a conversation with whomever was near me, veer in the other direction, or, as chance would have it, one of his friends or female admirers would block his way just giving me enough time to escape without looking like I was trying to. I was sure that he knew something was up though, and whether or not I wanted to, I was sure that I would end up talking to him about this on the following Sunday.  
  
Sunday came, along with a good deal of awkward silences. The one thing I had no tolerance for. I hated awkward situations, I hated people who made you feel awkward, it's a horrible feeling and nobody likes it. It didn't last long though. I was halfway through one of the charms we were to be tested on that week when, "So, why would that have been awkward for you? You never did tell me you know, and I have the sneaking suspicion that you've been avoiding me all week."   
  
"I haven't been avoiding you...per se....I just...I don't like uncomfortable situations and you know that. Ha, actually, situations such as this."  
  
"Yes, but why would it be uncomfortable? If we went on a walk? A walk? Lily, you put one foot in front of the other and repeat the process. I've seen you do it a thousand times, in fact, you're a damned pro."   
  
"It's not the walk that's uncomfortable doofus. What would we have to say? Nothing. We have nothing in common. All we do is bark at each other. And you know I don't mean literally, so close your mouth. See? That's exactly what I mean though. I didn't feel like being witty and nasty that early in the morning. That's all." It wasn't a lie. I really didn't feel up to it at that time. I also didn't want to find myself hanging on is every word though, as I caught myself doing lately. It scared me, the thought of finding someone so interesting. Right, interesting. Even in my head I couldn't admit that it wasn't just 'interesting'.  
  
"Well, obviously you're up for it now, so I say we go for a walk. It's still light out, they're not going to say anything." He knew I would bring up the point of Filch and his goons, roaming the grounds, looking for students out past curfew. I had painted myself into a corner and he knew it. I couldn't say no, then I would have to produce a viable excuse. I reluctantly agreed, but only after we had finished the current lesson. This gave me a few more minutes to stall, maybe even think of a way out of it. I didn't really have any good reason not to go on a walk though. That's what made my dread of the whole situation seem silly.  
  
I kept telling myself that I was overreacting, and I was. I just didn't see it at the time. I only saw a chance for disaster. We made our way out to the grounds and it was freezing-absolutely frigid. I didn't' let it show that I was cold though. I always had a problem showing any weakness in front of James. Anybody else and I would've been telling them how cold it was every ten seconds. I guess my blue lips gave me away.  
  
"Lily, here." He put his cloak around me. I tried to tell him I was fine, but the chattering that escaped my lips in between my words gave me away.  
  
"Alright, fine. Thank you James. Now why did you want to go on a walk so badly?"  
  
"Why did you not want to go on a walk so badly?"  
  
"I told you. I didn't want to be cold, like I am now, and it was much too early to put up with you...Honestly, you really bring out the worst in me and I don't know why. I mean, I can't ever seem to be nice when I'm with you. I don't understand it." I figured this should be safe ground to tread. We would talk about our constant banter.  
  
"Well, I guess I bring it out of you. I enjoy our little squabbles. It's not like we're really fighting over anything and I think that's the beauty of it. You and I never have anything substantial to fight over, and I don't think we ever will. Like it or not, Lily, we do get along. Quite well, too." We walked on in silence for a few moments. The grounds really were lovely and I didn't realize that I was looking around with an easy smile on my face. This was a rare sight for James. Usually I was mad but grinning at something he'd said. It was never just a careless smile. "You really have a gorgeous smile...when you're not knitting your brows in agitation at me." He grinned mercilessly at me. I couldn't take it. This was the awkwardness that I was afraid was going to happen. How was I supposed to answer that? Thank him? Yell at him?   
  
"As you said before, it's not always my fault that I end up getting agitated, but despite that, thank you. Should we be heading in now?" I started to quicken my pace as I realized what he was about to do. Unfortunately this didn't deter him and his arm came to rest on my shoulders. 


	3. Spending Someone's

"What's the rush? Are you really that cold?" He tried to rub my arms in a sad attempt at warming them. I figured, maybe I wasn't really that cold…  
  
"No well, I'm not that cold. But it is sort of getting darker…and I don't know, we're probably going to get in trouble or maybe-" He interrupted me.  
  
"Relax Lil. We're not going to get in trouble. If I'm not mistaken, tomorrow's a holiday." The thought had completely slipped my mind. Tomorrow began the Christmas holiday. Now this was too strange.  
  
"Then why didn't you tell me before I started going over that stupid Charms lesson? We both could've avoided any unnecessary schoolwork." Before the sentence even left my mouth I feared the answer. I didn't want to hear it, but I knew it was coming. I prayed that he wouldn't say it. He couldn't like me. It would make everything so much harder.  
  
"Lily, do you know why I asked you to help tutor me in the first place?" I shook my head. "Well, besides the fact that you do excel in charms, it was an opportunity to see for myself what I had heard for the past few years." He looked down at me smiling. His cheeks were glowing. He was freezing but he put up the appearance that he really enjoyed the brisk air. His nose was raw-red too. It was so cute I smiled involuntarily.  
  
"James, not to detract from what you're saying, but you look so very cold. I really think maybe we should be heading in soon." He agreed and we started to turn back. "Now, what is it that you had been hearing from whom. You know if it was from Sirius, I'll bet you ten galleons it's probably not true…" He chuckled slightly.  
  
"No it was from a bunch of different people. Sirius just happened to be one of them. Remus and Arabella, Amos even and he has the worst opinions of everybody. I felt like I was missing out on something. Besides which, I've never been close friends with a red head. I wanted to see what it was like." He laughed a little and I elbowed him. I caught myself in the midst of furrowing my brow when I stopped and thought of how many times a day I really did make that face at James. I really didn't have any reason to. He was right. We didn't fight about anything substantial.   
  
"Well I'm glad everyone thinks so highly of me that the infamous James Potter had to check it out for himself. And now you did. See there's that then. So I guess I'll see you around school and whatnot." I tried to slip out from under his arm and hand him back his cloak but he only grabbed me around the waist.  
  
"Wait a second here. Where's the fire? HA! On your head. Oof! Sorry, sorry. I guess that elbow was deserved then. See, you're right in one aspect. I have seen for myself. But I didn't think it was going to be like… some sort of… trial friendship thing. Rent-a-friend or something. Truth be told, I find you really interesting, fun to be with…and you're easy on the eyes too." He winked at this and again I went for the elbow in the ribs. He caught my arm this time. I couldn't be bothered. I had other things to worry about. I didn't need him to add on to it. What did I ever agree to go on this walk for? Why did I ever agree to tutor him?  
  
"I'm glad you think so, believe me, but as far as I'm concerned, I really couldn't be bothered right now. I'm sorry, but there are a lot of things on my plate right now. I really don't have room for one more." I managed to get out of his grasp and throw his cloak over his shoulder. I jogged inside and made my way up to the library. Everything was going to be fine. Tomorrow began the Christmas holiday and he would go home and I would go home and when we came back, neither of us would have remembered this whole problem and we could spend the rest of the year being cordial to each other with nothing behind it. I tried to find solace in a book.  
  
"Why do you insist on doing things like that?" Ugh. I couldn't get rid of him. He was like a bad habit.   
  
"Do what? I told you what I thought and I came inside." Again, not a lie, but not the whole of the situation either…  
  
"Lily, you know what I mean. Why do you always insist on dismissing things that don't fit or that you didn't expect? I know that's why you didn't go when I first asked you to go on a walk. I know why you would think it uncomfortable and all I can say is , yes some of it is kind of uncomfortable, but you can get past that. I think we did. Well, I thought we did, and then you decided to ditch again…" He looked at me expectantly. He wanted me to pick up where he left off-to clue him in.   
  
"Look here's the deal. You know close to nothing about me. I know exactly the same about you. You and I are different and we rarely ever have a civil conversation. Even if we tried to find out about each other I'm sure neither of us could resist making some smart-ass remark. Besides that James, I was perfectly happy going through the motions this year. You're right. I really enjoyed the fact that everything was fitting together, despite how very full my schedule and life had become. I don't have time or room for another 'friend' or whatever in my life. I'm sorry." I tried to go back to my book. Unfortunately he didn't take this as a rejection and just sort of sat there, waiting for me to explain further. I didn't feel the need to. I didn't need to explain anything to him.  
  
"Alright fine. I don't have time for you. Would you like me to explain why?" He nodded, as I had suspected. "Ok. This is our sixth year. This means that promotion to head girl is up for grabs and I need to work extra hard to secure the position. On top of that, I have prefect obligations. Not to mention friends I've already made commitments to and then there's my family…" I didn't want to talk about my family. I didn't want to get into it. I pleaded internally that it would end there. Of course it didn't.  
  
"Your family…Your family what Evans? Come on now, you can't just allude to something and then expect me not to be intrigued. Let's hear it. Why does your family make you so busy." This was it.   
  
"Ok. I hope you have a good amount of time on your hands." He nodded and I sighed. He asked for it.   
  
"Well, when I was twelve, my father got hit by a drunk driver on his way home from work. He had the graveyard shift and he was rather drowsy. Either way, the driver swears he didn't see him, but it's too late for that now, isn't it? Anyway, so after his funeral, my mother, who had taken the loss particularly hard, began to drink. This was, unfortunately, a gateway drug that only led her to multiple other escapes. She became abusive and around the time I was 14 she was arrested for possession and all of that. She did her time, came home and then she found out she had Cirrhosis of the Liver. From then on, she spent most of her time in the hospital, leaving me and my older sister to care for each other. Petunia, that's my sister, couldn't really…handle the responsibility. She ended up marrying the first guy who would have her just so she could have a normal life. That's all she ever wanted. Anything that was associated with abnormality, she cut ties with, including me. Witches aren't normal in the muggle world. So, here I am. Last school year, when I turned sixteen, I had to go to court and say who I would rather live with. My sister, who refused to even speak to me anymore, or my mother who was never there and couldn't hold a job due to her chronic hospitalization. So she couldn't pay for her apartment. I chose my mother. This past summer I spent every waking moment I had working so that I could pay the rent for those months and this school year as well. Luckily, neither of us were ever there much so we didn't have to buy much in ways of food, spend money on electricity, heat, etc. This Christmas holiday, I have to go home and work 60 hours just so my mother can keep her apartment for January. If you hadn't noticed already, every other weekend I travel to Chelmsford and work 12 hours on Saturdays. That's why I'm never here and that's why I told you I could help you on Sunday nights." I took a deep breath. I had no idea why I had told him all of this. He and I weren't even that close. I didn't understand it at all. But I had a strange feeling that he wouldn't disclose any of this information to anyone unless I had given him the go ahead.  
  
We sat in the library in silence for a few minutes. He was taking it all in, I was sure. I was reading my book, waiting for him to say something. A few pages in, he cleared his throat.  
  
"First of all, wow. I mean, Lily you're a saint for Chrissake! I don't know ANY 16-year-old who would be able to handle that. You get my utmost respect. Secondly, no 16-year-old should have to handle that and I had NO idea that anything like that was going on. I don't know what to say. I'm sorry I was so persistent. I guess I do understand that you don't have any time. I mean, I wish you did, but I understand. And third, thank you for being honest with me. I really appreciate that you didn't just blow me off like a lot of girls tend to do." He scooted his chair closer to mine and came close. He whispered, "Finally, I know you don't have any spare time, but if you get some, I'll be here waiting. Just let me know ok?" He kissed me on the cheek and left. 


	4. Hard-Earned Pay

I sat on the train, on my way home. Home. Can I really call it that? It was really just a place to crash, a place to put my stuff. There was no one to come home to. I was almost undoubtedly sure that my mother was in the hospital. She didn't like much to speak with me because she felt so guilty for beating Petunia and I. She couldn't take what she had done in her drunken stupor. It really did kill her to see that scar on my back from the broken beer bottle, or anything else of the sort. So she didn't talk much, she was afraid I hated her. Home was a lonely place. As I had just gotten into deep thought about the subject, the compartment door slid open.   
  
"Hey, why aren't you sitting with Arabella or Remus?" He knew they were my best friends. That's actually how he and I were first introduced, because he became a friend of Remus'. I was sitting with a few people who caught the train late. They didn't know each other so they didn't talk. This was fine by me since I was content thinking.   
  
"I dunno, I just didn't feel like it. I felt like being quiet, and when they sit with Sirius and Amos, all hell breaks loose." He smiled and shut the door. He wasn't going to leave. We both looked around. There were no empty seats. Suddenly, as if a light had switched on in his head, he turned to the boy next to me. "You know Sirius Black right? Here's a galleon, go tell him that I said he was a lousy git. See what he says." The boy got up, took the galleon and was out the door. He turned around.  
  
"Hey, but when he asks who says he's a lous-" James shut the compartment door and took a seat. I had to hand it to him; he was creative. He readjusted for quite some time until he found that he was comfortable.   
  
"Now," he said, putting his arm around me. I rolled my eyes and smiled. What a goof. "Tell me what you're thinking about." He continued to look at me even though I tried to keep my glance outside.   
  
"Nothing in particular." I think that was the first time I had directly lied to James.   
  
"Right, and I didn't just get that kid an automatic wedgie." We both chuckled at the thought of that poor boy telling Sirius he was a git without a definite source to give. "Really Lily, what's on your mind." I decided not to burden him with my depressing thoughts. I had to think fast. What's a topic we could both get lost in?  
  
"Well, I was actually thinking about who was gonna win the house cup this year. It's really close so far. I know it's still the beginning of the year..." and so began a conversation that lasted the rest of the ride to King's Cross. I was thankful that he didn't pry. I didn't want to have to delve into my deeply personal problems in front of a bunch of strangers. When the train stopped I grabbed my trunk and headed off the train as fast amongst the commotion. I was just about to go through the barrier.  
  
"Lily, I swear if you do that to me one more time, I'm gonna have to get one of those anklets that they put on x-cons who can't leave the country. Now come here." As good as I was at slipping away, James was just as good at finding me. I walked over to him. "I just wanted to say, that even though your working this holiday, I hope you have a good Christmas, regardless. Write me if you have any free time, and maybe we could go do something with Remus and Arabella and the rest of the gang. OK? Take care of yourself." He gave me a big hug that I scolded myself for finding so much comfort in and headed off to find Sirius.   
  
I couldn't understand why he would care so much. I didn't see anything extraordinary about me that would make him want to spend time with me. Of course, I enjoyed his company, but I was just like everyone else, he shouldn't waste his time with me. I sighed and made my way through the barrier before Arabella could catch up with me. The truth was that lately I hadn't been spending much time with anyone. The most conversation anyone got out of me was usually something along the lines of a morning greeting. Now that I thought about it, James had spoken to me most out of the past week, even thought I had avoided him for most of it. It's not that she and I had been fighting, or that I didn't want to spend time with anyone. I just had a lot to manage and didn't have time to stop for aimless conversations. I had to plan my work schedule and hospital visits. I had to find time to clean the house and make Christmas dinner. I had to find time to study and to sleep. 


	5. You and Me

I came home to an empty house, as was expected. I wasn't sad, I wasn't surprised. When I walked through the kitchen though , I was surprised to find a note on the table. It was from my mother.   
  
"Lily,  
  
Had to go back for treatment for a couple of days. Should be home by Wednesday afternoon. There's macaroni salad in the refrigerator from Sunday afternoon. I don't know when you'll get this, so eat it at your own risk.  
  
Love,  
Mom"  
  
I was alone. I was slightly relieved. There would be no tension like there always was between us. There was no schoolwork to worry about and no job to get to for today and I could just kick back and relax. I put my trunk in my room and headed into the living room. I looked through the dusty CD collection and made a selection. I put it in, pressed play and went in pursuit of a book. As I came back in I turned up the stereo and sang along to the Turtles "So Happy Together." A good hour passed before the phone rang.   
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Lily? Is Lily there?"  
  
"This is she. Mom?"  
  
"Hi honey, I thought I would let you know that I was going to be coming home a little earlier than anticipated. They said I should be on my way tomorrow. So I'll see you then." With that she hung up. No 'how was your ride?' or 'how are you, I haven't spoken with you since the last time you paid my rent.' She just hung up. Ah well, what could I expect. It has to be a terribly embarrassing situation to have your daughter supporting you and you're not even fifty yet.  
  
That's pretty much how the rest of the Christmas break went. We barely spoke. I worked all the time. Christmas day I only worked 8 hours instead of the ten I had been doing all week. It was double time so I could afford to miss the two hours. Unfortunately, my mother had been ill again and was back in the hospital. It looked like Christmas was going to be spent alone.   
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hello, may speak with Lily Evans please."  
  
"This is she, may I ask who's speaking?"  
  
"Lily hi, this is Dr. Clabb's office."  
  
"Is, is something wrong? Is my mother ok?" I couldn't think straight. The only other time the Dr. had actually called was when my mother had taken a turn for the worst last summer. I was frantic.  
  
"Lily, whoa, calm down. It's me Sirius. I was only kidding with you. What do you mean going on about your mother? What's wrong? She in the hospital or something?" I sighed. I was so relieved and so furious with him, I didn't know how to respond. I decided to stay calm.   
  
"Nothing's wrong, you just, I dunno, you call saying you're a doctor, the only explanation other than my being sick would be her, so that's why I asked. Now, what's up? Why'd you really call?" Sirius wasn't one to think too hard about things so he accepted my answer readily and continued with the real purpose behind his call.   
  
"Well, I just wanted to wish you a Happy Christmas and ask what your plans for tonight were. I tried calling earlier, but no one answered." Good old Sirius, always has something to break the norm. If ever I needed a break from regular life I just had to ask Sirius what he was up to. It was usually something out-there.  
  
"I haven't really got any plans for tonight. I er...my family stuff was yesterday. They do all of that on Christmas Eve. What did you have in mind?"   
  
"I'm having some people over my house tonight. Some friends from school. Nothing too big, you know. But I thought it would be a nice way to celebrate Christmas. You up for it?" Was I ever. I figured that my next shift didn't start until 10 tomorrow anyway. I could stay a few hours, leave at 10 tonight, come home and sleep and be ready for work the next morning.  
  
"Yeah, sure. I'd love to go. But, there are two problems. One is that I don't know where you live. The other is that I have no way to get there anyway." I laughed a little.  
  
"Don't worry about that. Just give me your address and I'll have someone swing by and pick you up. How's ...half an hour sound? Is that enough time for you to get ready and everything?" I said that was fine and gave him my address. "That was pretty clever of me huh? Dr. Clabb? Black, Clabb? See anything there? Yeah it's my last name backwards. Anyway, I'll see you later." We hung up. Half an hour was definitely not enough time to get anything done, but I had to make do with what I was given. I raced into my room, grabbed some clothes and headed for the shower. I didn't want to smell like the nursing home that I worked in.   
  
I thought I heard a knock on the door, but I disregarded it as my mind playing tricks on me. I checked the clock in the bathroom and I had only been in there for 10 minutes. As things like that do happen when you're in a rush, I grabbed the wrong clothes off of my dresser and had to venture back into my room. Upon crossing the living room I stopped dead in my tracks.   
  
"How the hell did you get in here?" James was fiddling with my stereo. He stopped when he found a radio station playing The White Stripes "Fell In Love With A Girl." He turned around and smiled.   
  
"Oo, is that what you're wearing? Ha, count me in." The smiled took over his face and I grimaced. "Ok, ok. It was easy I just used one of those charms we learned in class. You know that one to unlock doors?" I nodded in understanding. "Meanwhile, I can't believe how unabashedly you can stand around in a towel. You're quite different than I had thought." It hadn't really occurred to me that I had practically nothing on, and when it did I shrugged.   
  
"Well, I grabbed the wrong clothes. What if this wasn't my apartment? Huh? Did you ever think that you might find some big fat, warty, guy in the shower? What would you do if he came out here in a towel? Ah I don't want any smart-ass remarks, forget I said anything. As you can tell, I'm not quite ready. You're going to have to give me ten minutes or so."  
  
"I didn't expect you to be. I'm rather early. I just wanted to make sure it was the right place. Take your time." With that I made for my room. I didn't take long since I never really was high maintenance.   
  
"Is this going to be a formal thing? I mean, do I have to dress up or anything?" An innocent question.  
  
"Well, I would prefer what you had on earlier, but I don't think that would do in many public situations. Anyway I think it's just like...normal attire. I never asked. It's always easier for guys though. Khaki pants and a button down pants can go either way." I could hear the grin on his face. It was easier for guys.   
  
"Well call him and find out. I don't want to go there and make an ass of myself." James did so and reported back to me that it was in fact a semi formal event.   
  
Ten minutes after the phone call, I came out to see James looking through my mother's CDs and mine. I took the opportunity to grab the portable phone and call my mother. I went back into my room for a second.  
  
"Hey, mum?"  
  
"Hello sweetheart, how are you? Happy Christmas dear." They must've just given her some medication. She never would've inquired about me otherwise.  
  
"I'm fine mum. Happy Christmas to you too. How are you doing? Feeling any better?" She gave me a full report on every pain that she had encountered today and I found myself wishing I hadn't even bothered. Soon enough though, she was giving some excuse or other to get off the phone and back to whatever she was doing. Without even a goodbye, she hung up. It always hurt when she would just hang up like that. I wiped a tear that had slipped out and turned around to go out. I had been found out.  
  
"Everything ok?" James was in the doorway. I guess I had taken a while on the phone. By the looks of it, he had heard a good amount of my end of the conversation. I nodded and forced a smile. It didn't convince him, but he decided not to push. Soon we were on our way. 


	6. Sunday Driving

Sirius's house was huge. He was loaded and I was mad with jealousy. I couldn't help it. Not only did he not have to work to keep his grades up, he also didn't have to work for anything in life. It really was handed to him on a silver platter. I tried not to let it affect my night. I saw Arabella but Remus was visiting family in the Scottish countryside. After an hour or so I had had enough of Sirius and his rowdy, rich friends. I wanted to leave, but as I didn't want to trouble anyone I just decided to take a walk around his grounds until it was ten. Something about the honesty of a clear, cold night always made me smile. There was nothing deceiving about the pitch-black sky and the dots that twinkled in it. I found a bench and sat down. At that moment I knew I shouldn't have worn a dress. It was pretty cold out. I hugged my knees up to my chest and hummed softly.  
  
"And this I know, his teeth as white as snow." I jumped a foot when I heard James singing the words to what I was humming. He laughed at my reaction and I settled down slightly. "What are you doing out here? Weren't you the one who told me that you didn't like to go walking in the cold?"  
  
"I got tired of Sirius's antics and decided that I would waste some time looking at the acres of land he has. What time is it now anyway?" He told me it was 9:15. I sighed inwardly. I didn't know if I would be able to sit there for another 45 minutes. As it was, my butt seemed frozen to the bench. James came and sat down next to me.   
  
"Guess what I have?" He pulled a fleece blanket out from behind him and unraveled it.  
  
"Why on earth do you just happen to have one of those with you? Come on now, don't be a hog." I pulled some up to my nose and just looked out at him, only my eyes showing.  
  
"You are positively silly sometimes, you know that? I didn't just happen to have it either. I saw that you weren't in the house, I went and grabbed it, figuring you would pull something like this." Without thinking of what I was doing, I put my head on his shoulder. It felt so natural and expected that I hadn't even realized I did it until he started to stroke my hair. This was how it was supposed to be…NO! I couldn't let myself think that. I had to focus on what was going on now. But how bad could it be to let someone in and….I couldn't! I couldn't put this on someone else. I couldn't unload my problems on someone else. Someone who was so nice and caring and undeserving. What was i thinking?? Two weeks ago none of this would have ever crossed my mind. The fact of the matter was that two weeks ago none of this would have occurred. Now it did and I had to deal with it. I could deal with it in ten minutes. After all these problems weren't going anywhere. Ten minutes later I took in a deep breath.  
  
"James?"  
  
"Mm?"  
  
"I think I should probably be going now."  
  
"Why? It's not even ten yet. What's five more minutes?" He laid his head on top of mine for a few seconds.  
  
"Five more minutes is frost bite in my toes." I whispered into his ear through the blanket. I still had it wrapped up to my face. He reluctantly picked his head up with an audible sigh. I rolled my eyes in the darkness and handed him back his blanket. "Thanks for the blanket. Hope you had a Happy Christmas." I got up.  
  
"Lily, will you sit and listen to me for a second, before you do what you're best at and run off?" He smirked and continued. "I know you've got a lot to deal with right now. But who's to say that I can't help you with that load? Maybe I think you're worth the time and effort. Did you ever stop to think of that?" This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I didn't want anyone to think that I couldn't handle life on my own. I had been practically independent for a year now, running a household, taking care of my fatally ill mother. Balance that with schoolwork and friends and there's just enough room for sanity. Add in any sort of relationship and it would be too much.   
  
"James, it's not that I don't appreciate the gesture. I'm flattered that you want to try and help me out, but I really don't want to put any of this on someone who doesn't deserve it. I mean you definitely don't. You might think you know what you're willing to get involved with, but you only know the surface." He reached up and stroked my cheek.  
  
"Do you honestly think you deserve it?"   
  
"I couldn't do this to you, as much as I really wouldn't mind spending more time with you…I just…" I ran. I was starting to cry and I couldn't take it when people saw me cry. I ran all the way back to the house. Jogging in the morning had paid off just then. I found an empty room with a fireplace and made for my place with some Floo Powder.   
  
I got home and made myself some eggs. It's what I did when I was upset. I liked cooking eggs and I liked eating them. They were good. 


	7. Not Arriving

The next morning I woke up and went to work. It was all over. I didn't have to deal with anything besides work and schoolwork for the rest of my break. I had even finished my schoolwork earlier in the week and now it was only work. Oh yeah, and my mother.  
  
"Where've you been dear? I was sitting here since this morning hoping to find you here so we could celebrate a late Christmas together. Oh I picked up the mail outside and there are some things here for you." My mother. What else was there to say? She was…my mother. Mercurial at best. Broken mostly. I picked up the mail and went through some of the letters. Arabella, Remus, Sirius, James, some aunts and uncles. All of them turned out to be holiday cards. Sirius wanted to know if I was ok, since I didn't say goodbye when I left. Remus gave me report on his trip to visit his family. Arabella just asked if I was generally ok. James wanted to know that I was ok, and declared that he would be coming by sometime within the week. Not if I had anything to do with it.   
  
As abruptly as my mother had come that day, she was gone the next. She left a very generic card on the table and a note saying that she was feeling ill again. No surprise. That's how the summer went. That's how I expected the winter and following summer to go. Alright, now only work to worry about.   
  
A few days went by completely alone. I spent my nights sitting, listening to music and reading. I fell asleep on the couch a lot.  
  
"You know that's horrible for your back don't you?" James was sitting next to me. He had been watching me sleep.   
  
"How long have you been here? What time is it? You really have to stop letting yourself in like that." Just as I had said that I realized that I had left the door open. I remembered now that I was so exhausted from work that I had just come in, turned on the stereo and laid on the couch. He swept a piece of stray hair out of my face and smiled down at me. I really was starting hate how it made me feel.   
  
"You never answered me or Sirius, so I figured I would come and check for myself to see if you were ok. You look it, for the most part. What's say you and I go catch a something at the theatre. They've got this one movie out that I've wanted to see, but nobody wants to bother with muggle things like that. Come on…my treat." He smiled hopefully at me. If I said yes, I had a feeling I would regret it. If I said no, I knew he wasn't going to just leave like that.   
  
"I guess. Give me a second to change." At that he looked down at my nurse's scrubs. They were covered in the remnants of old people. I explained how I worked in a muggle nursing home and that I had to wear this as part of my uniform. I quickly changed and we made our way to the movie theatre. What was I doing going to a movie? I had things to do. Didn't I…? I should've…  
  
Whoever made the piece of rubbish movie that James took me to, should've been promptly fired. Why James wanted to see it was beyond me too. As we sat through the Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, I found myself biting my tongue every ten seconds just to keep from making wise cracks during the movie. I had no idea if James really wanted to see this or if he wanted to come and make fun of it or what, but he sat quietly with no expression on his face. Finally halfway through the film I couldn't hold it in anymore.  
  
"Vivi, you know mama…" (a/n: I don't remember actual quotes from the movie. I got dragged to see it by a friend of mine but me and my other friend [darth sakin is her pen…check her out…] sat through the entire thing making fun of it. We missed most of the movie that way but man alive! Was it ever worth it :D )   
  
"Ugh, Jesus Christ James, I'm sorry, but I can't sit through anymore of this without shredding it to bits with acidic commentary. This is just too bad for me to ever watch in silence. I'll wait for you outside if you like but I really can't stay here…"  
  
"Lily, calm down. I was actually getting kind of scared that you weren't saying anything. That's why I wanted to see this. I thought we could make our sarcastic quips at it, instead of each other. You know, join forces. I didn't want to say anything because I was thinking that you might actually like it. And I must say that that was the scariest thought I've had in a long time." We both snickered at this and hilarity ensued throughout the rest of the movie. I could definitely tell that no one else appreciated our acerbity. When the lights came up we could see that the rest of the theatre was jam-packed with sentimental teenage girls and their boyfriends and middle-aged housewives looking for that kind of escape in their lives. We left the theatre in hysterics and continued laughing the whole way home.   
  
"Well, I must say I'm glad I spoke up because I haven't laughed like that in a very long time." I said this while wiping a tear from my eye. When I dropped my hand down I was taken aback by James taking hold of it. I looked at him disapprovingly.  
  
"Aw Lil come on. It's just a hand. It's not like a marriage contract. Come ooonnn." He whined like a five-year-old and I finally gave in. "There we go. Yeah, I'd have to say that I haven't laughed that hard in quite a long time. We should do this more often." He smiled devilishly. We couldn't do this more often. As much as I wanted to. As fun as it really was and as comfortable as I felt with James now, we had to stop this. It was going to mess things up. I knew it would. I spent the rest of the walk home feigning interest in what he was saying. When we got to the door I figured I should tell him that this was the last he would see of me socially.   
  
"James, thanks for taking me to see that hideous movie. I had fun, but there's something I gotta say."  
  
"Oh, Lily save it. I know you're gonna tell me that this shouldn't happen, or that we need to stop this. I know, you don't have any time for me. I got it the last time you said it. I also know that you're scared. You'd never admit it, but I know it. You don't need to say anything. Look, I had fun, I hope you did too. I guess the only thing for me to leave you with is the same offer I made before. If you ever do get some time, let me know. I don't mind waiting." He smiled sadly and walked away. Watching his retreating figure down the hall, I fell something sink inside of me. I kept telling myself I had done the right thing and I honestly couldn't handle juggling all of it right now. I had never felt so depressed in my life.   
  
The phone was ringing. When I finally woke up I looked at the clock before picking up the receiver. Who would call me at 6:30 in the morning?  
  
"Hello?" I hated the way I sounded like a man when I first woke up.  
  
"Hello, may I speak with Ms. Evans?"  
  
"Which Ms. Evans are you referring to. Samantha Evans isn't in right now. I'm actually not sure when she'll be back either…"  
  
"No I'm looking for Ms. Lily Evans."  
  
"Oh, well this is she. May I ask to whom I'm speaking?"  
  
"I'm calling from Manchester Hospital, this is one of the resident doctors. Your mother has been under my care for the past few days as her primary care physician is currently on holiday. There was a situation earlier this morning and I thought I should inform you. Actually if you could come down here whenever you get a chance, that would probably be best…" This had to be a joke. It didn't sound like Sirius and he wouldn't do the same thing twice.   
  
"Uhm…I think I can make it there in a little bit."  
  
"Alright, that will be fine. It's not an emergency but it is rather important. I don't really think it's fitting to discuss your mother's health issues over the phone."  
  
"Yes, I understand. I'll be there as soon as I can." I hung up the phone. Manchester hospital was a 30-minute drive. My mother had the car. I couldn't apparate, nor could I use floo powder because it was a muggle hospital. I had no idea how I was going to get there. Then it occurred to me. I went into the living room and looked through my jacket.   
  
"Hullo?"  
  
"Hey, Sirius, it's Lily Evans."  
  
"Hey! Good to hear from you, how are you doing? You left so early the other nig-"  
  
"I know. I'm sorry about that. And I hate to cut you off like that, but I have a bit of a situation and I don't know any other solution to the problem."  
  
"Well, let's hear it."  
  
"I need to get to Manchester Hospital as soon as possible. It's not an emergency or anything, but it is pretty important. Since it's a muggle hospital I can't use any magical modes of transportation. I was trying to think of anyone who would be in possession of a muggle vehicle…"  
  
"I gotcha. No problem Lil. I think I still have your address around here somewhere. You're downtown right? Yeah, I'll be able to get there in ten minutes." I thanked him and hung up. Sirius always went on and on about his motorbike and sure enough I heard the monstrous roar outside my flat ten minutes later. A knock came at my door, and without a word as to what the situation was we left.   
  
The ride to the hospital was supposed to be 30 minutes. On the bike, it took us 15. I decided that I never wanted to ride on it unless it was necessary again.   
  
"Would you mind waiting in the waiting room? I don't think I'll be long." Sirius nodded and I was off to find the resident who had phoned me this morning. After going through about four different secretaries, he was finally located. He brought me to a secluded hallway.  
  
"Hi, I'm Dr. Jacobson, I'm the resident physician you spoke with earlier on the phone." He shook my hand. I always thought it funny how doctors in this position always found the time to be polite and get through all of the formalities. "I'm not going to beat around the bush. Around four o'clock this morning your mother's condition worsened severely. She's bedridden. I'm afraid she might be so for the rest of her life. I tried to talk to her about putting her on the transplant list. I explained that though it was very hard to get an organ because so many others are in need as well, there was still a chance." I nodded. I knew it would come to this. I just didn't know when. "She refused. She didn't want me to put her on the list." There was a pause. She didn't want to continue the life she was living with me and it was understandable. It was no life at all. Living in a small apartment with an estranged daughter who supports you. Finally I nodded. I understood.  
  
"If she continues to worsen…how long…uhh…how long do you think she…she'll last?" The words were hard to get out because they made everything so real. I found myself wishing to be with James at that moment and I wanted to cry. I felt like he would make it better, even though I knew he couldn't.   
  
"Being the resident physician, I haven't really followed your mother's case and I can't really tell you anything concrete. But as far as the rapid decline in health, if it continues then I would say months, maybe… I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you, and I could be wrong about it, seeing as I don't know the background of any of it, but as of right now, it doesn't look good." I thanked him for the information and made my way out to the waiting room. I gave Sirius some lame excuse and asked him to let it go at that. He did. He brought me home, and I thanked him again for carting me around like that. When I made my way up to the apartment I sat down. I had called out from work earlier because I didn't know how long I would be, what time I would come home, etc. I had a whole day to sit and think about this. I grabbed a piece of paper.  
  
"James,  
  
You said if I ever had the time and I'm not working today. Feel free to drop in whenever you feel like it.  
  
Lily"  
  
I tied it to my owl and sent her off. 


	8. On Our Way Back Home

When he arrived an hour later, I still hadn't moved from the couch. My owl had returned much earlier. He knew.   
  
"Wanna talk about it? Or maybe just pretend like everything is fine for a while?" He knew I would choose the latter. He knew something had hurt me. He knew I wouldn't have contacted him otherwise.  
  
I sighed deeply. "I just...I don't know. I can't...think right now. There's so much to think about, but I can't even have one ...complete thought..." James sat down next to me, and it was just in time too. I suddenly felt the urge to start sobbing and I did. James pulled me to him accordingly and we sat like that for quite some time. When I finally finished bawling my eyes out on James's chest, I rested my head for a second and looked at the clock. I had been crying for an hour and a half. I sat up and wiped my eyes. "I'm sorry about that. I don't know what came over me." I cleared my throat.  
  
"Lily, it's fine. You need to get the stupid notion that crying is a sign of weakness out of your head. I'm actually really glad you called on me. Even if it was just for that." He never blinked once while he spoke and the intensity of our gaze was unnerving. It made me feel something I hadn't felt in years. Was it...love?   
  
"Well, let me just say thanks for sitting there for an hour and a half without interrupting me or anything. I'll be right back. Let me go wash my face and then we can go do something if you like." I got up and went into the bathroom. When I shut the door I sat down on the ground and fought back more tears. What did he think he was doing? I couldn't allow myself to think someone cared. The only person who ever cared died when I was twelve. After that there was nothing. James didn't know what kind of hopes he was toying with. But what if he wasn't toying with them? No, I couldn't feed the hope like that. I shook my head and got up and washed my face. When I came out of the bathroom I suddenly realized how tired I really was. I yawned a big, lion's yawn in mid-stride.   
  
James chuckled. "I was going to ask you if you realized what time it was when you owled me. If you want to take a nap, that is more than fine with me. I'm pretty tired myself." He said this while petting the sofa. I was tired of the internal struggle. I was tired of the mental war going on over this. I just didn't want to care anymore and for the rest of the day, I had decided, I wouldn't. I came and plopped down next to him on the couch. He seemed pretty surprised that there were no protests from me.   
  
"Actually, I'll take you up on that nap. I worked a double yesterday and I didn't get to sleep until one. I've had about 5 and half hours of sleep. I think a nap would be great." A yawn came involuntarily and took the next words from me, leaving me glassy-eyed and sleepier than before.  
  
"Why don't you go in on your bed? I'm sure you haven't seen it much this holiday. It would probably be much more comfortable." I knew I should've gone into my room and let him stay on the couch, but I needed to be close to him. I didn't know why, but it was soothing. I only shook my head in response and sunk lower in my seat.   
  
"Well if you aren't going anywhere at least lay down. You're going to end up with Scoliosis like that." I couldn't help but laugh at James's mother hen impression. It was so cute and exactly what I needed to take my mind off the current situation that I really didn't even mind that I was switching positions so that I was resting my head on James's shoulder. He grinned sleepily and put his arm around me. After a few minutes I fell asleep rather comfortably so.   
  
When I awoke it was dark. I was curled up on one arm of the couch. Something felt amiss. Where was James? I looked to the other end of the couch and saw him sitting on the arm watching me contentedly.  
  
"What time is it?" I had a blanket now and I wrapped it around me tighter as I found how chilly it was in the apartment.   
  
"Well my dear, it's 7:45. I guess you needed more than a nap." He came down from the arm of the couch and sat on the table, directly in front of me. "You feeling better? Still wanna pretend everything's ok?" He smirked at me and pushed some hair out of my face. I nodded. "Want to go back to sleep or what?" I stretched at his question and sat up.  
  
"I think I'm good now. I really needed that I guess. Quarter to eight huh? How long have you been awake? I hope you didn't just sit there waiting for me to get up. I mean you should've just gone or woke me up or something." My head was still fuzzy. Before he could answer the phone rang. I looked at it for a moment and then picked up the receiver.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Lily dear? That you?"  
  
"Who else would pick up the phone mum? How are you? Feeling any better? Did you talk to the Doctor?"  
  
"I'm very tired. I'm not in as much pain as I was earlier, but I'm tired. My doctor is on holiday right now. The other doctor...what's his name, Dr. Jacobson? He told me I wasn't in the best shape. I figured as much. He said he talked to you about this too. I'm glad. He told you...about my...decision?"  
  
There was a pause. "Yes, mum. He told me you decided against the transplant." I looked up at James who couldn't help but listen, try as hard as he might to seem preoccupied with his fingers. "I just want to tell you that...that I think maybe, it's for the best. I can understand why you would decline."  
  
"Yes, well truthfully Lily, I didn't really see any reason to become hopeful. Transplants don't usually last for very long and as it is I would be so far down the list that I don't see myself getting one in time. Anyway, you've practically raised yourself ever since...since uh..."  
  
"Dad died?"  
  
"Yes. That. Anyway, I don't really think you need me anymore. My doctor should be coming back in a few days. I'll give you a call after I speak with him. He might want to talk to you too. Well I'm gonna go now sweetie." She did the patented Samantha Evans hang up and the click of the receiver on the other end made me wince.   
  
"I don't understand why it's so hard for her to have a conversation that lasts longer than 30 seconds." I sighed. "So, what do you feel like doing? We have the whole night in front of us basically." I wasn't quite sure why I didn't just tell him I was all set and push him out the door. I guess he was wondering the same.  
  
"You mean...you're not objecting to spending any time with me? Is this...a breakthrough? Should I call someone? Do I need a witness for this?" His feigned shock made me laugh. "Well, I don't really care as long as you're gonna be here." He smiled sweetly and came to sit next to me. I felt the blush creeping over my face.  
  
"James you're such a goof. Seriously though, what are you up for? I don't feel like sitting around here and moping or sleeping right now. Cinema, theatre?...Don't make a face. It was only a suggestion. A walk even?" As soon as I had suggested it I mentally slapped myself.  
  
"Oh no, it's too cold. It would be awkward." James mocked my voice and made a sour face.  
  
"OK, alright. I guess I deserved that. Truth be told, I guess you were right partly. I was a little scared. But lately I find myself thinking, 'Is it really that much harder?' or 'What's really so different?'...So what about that walk then?" I got up before there could be any sort of 'moment' and made for my room to get my coat. I turned around after retrieving it and saw that James had followed me. I started to feel a little nervous due to a strange look he now had on his face.   
  
"Are you saying that...that there could be ...a chance of something possibly between us...besides chance meetings and forced intervals of hanging out?" He grabbed my hand. I didn't know what to say. A no could be damaging to what I was getting used to and a yes could hurl me into a relationship I wasn't exactly ready for. 


	9. We're On Our Way Home

"Possibly. James, don't get the wrong idea. I still feel some of the same foreboding I had since the question presented itself, but all I'm saying is that maybe I wasn't really thinking about it in the right way. Or maybe it's not as difficult as I was making it out to be...I don't know what I'm thinking now really. It's just all...different..." At this point in my ramblings I looked up, and depending on what way I looked at it, it was either a mistake or a conscious decision. Something that looked like hope, the very same hope I was trying to distinguish in myself, was clear on James's face. What if he wasn't toying... "All I'm saying...is...I..." I never finished that thought, never mind the sentence. I reached up and touched his face. As soon as I did an alarm went off in my head. What was I doing? How did I know things would work out? Was it worth the risk? What if he was only messing around? Then amidst all the questions a calm, serene voice came through. It was my own. "I don't know. And it's ok." I hadn't realized that I said this aloud as well as in my head. James smiled sublimely and took my hand from his face. He kissed it and held it in his own.  
  
"That's what I've been waiting to hear." James pulled me into a hug. At this moment a song suddenly burst into my head. It was all but too fitting. "Undo" by Bjork. As I stood engulfed in two strong, and now familiar forearms the lyrics repeated in my head; "It's not meant to be a strife/It's not meant to be a struggle uphill/Surrender, undo/ I'm praying/To be/In a generous mood/To share me."  
  
(A/N: Use your imaginations people... Go head, gasp at me. Whatever, people this age DO have sex. Besides which y'all might be thinking Lily changed her mind rather quickly. On the contrary. She was having a struggle. To love or deny. To love would be completely.)  
  
I woke up to the sound of the wind howling against the window. It took me a second to recognize my surroundings. It was my room, no wonder I had trouble placing it. I hadn't slept here since before my mother was diagnosed. Before then I was prisoner to this cell. It was my sanctuary and it was my cage. I was protected from what lie outside but kept from what beauty there still was in the world. A breath on my neck. He was still here. I looked at the clock on the nightstand. It was 4:00 AM. I had more time to sleep before work, but I wasn't tired. If I got up he would stir. In the back of my head there was still a fear, some hidden thought that maybe, he might just leave when he's seen what he's done. I turned over to make sure this wasn't just a dream or illusion. He was snoring softly into the baby hairs on my neck. I took my free arm and traced his arm that crossed my stomach. I watched him sleep for quite some time. The only thing that pulled me out of my trance was my bladder. I had no choice but to get up now.   
  
The tiles on the floor in the bathroom were a rude awakening of how cold it was compared to my rug. Right before I was to leave I looked into the mirror. Who was I? Who was I, of all people, to think I could have any type of happiness...just like that? There had to be a catch. No. I forced the thought from my mind. It IS possible. It had to be possible. After all, hadn't I struggled my whole life? I was tired of thinking that I wasn't ever going to be happy or that I was never meant to be. I was tired of having a plan and I was tired of doing it all alone. I opened my bedroom door and stopped in my tracks. Would I ever see this sight again? Was this just a one-time deal? Was it something I would see every day for the rest of my life? I didn't know and that was a great feeling. I was starting to appreciate spontaneity. I honestly would prefer not to have it be a spur of the moment thing that would never be repeated. I was growing very, VERY fond of James and that both frightened and comforted me. It gave me something to look forward to but at the same time there was always the possibility of more pain.   
  
"What are you doing standing there like a madwoman? It's freezing out there." James had woken up and saw me taking in the scene before me. He pulled the comforter up over his shoulders. "Come on." He nodded his head, beckoning me in his direction. I smirked and headed over. I decided right then that I definitely could get used to this.  
  
"You know it's not really that cold out. You're body temperature is just low since you've been sleeping." I crawled in and took some of the blanket.  
  
"Oh well are we a smarty pants?" He wrapped his arms around me and we lie for a while, just thinking. "Lily? There's something I want to make clear. This, what happened here, it wasn't just your run-of-the-mill one-night stand. I know what people say about me at school. I'm not deaf to the gossip. People say Sirius and me will do anything for some tail. It's not true. I don't want you to think that. It's so different this time; I can't even explain it really. I guess it's because you're so different from anyone I've dated. Lily, I honestly don't think that I could date you." The words cut like ice. "I mean, if you really think about it, dating makes everything harder. There's the awkwardness and the formalities. Lily, I feel like I could just be me around you all the time. I don't want to cheapen that with silly dates where I'm supposed to put my best foot forward. It's pointless." As James kept going I felt myself getting sleepy again. As soon as he had elaborated on his statement about not dating me I had felt relief wash over me. I rested my head on the pillow as he continued to talk. "Lily, you still with me?" I nodded. He kissed the top of my head. "Good, because I know I've been rambling, but I want you to hear this part OK?" I nodded again. "I'll admit, I've had my fair share of girlfriends, but this is different. I've never told any of them what I'm about to tell you, and it doesn't scare me at all. I know you're not gonna believe me, but I'm willing to try and convince you that I love you. I can't explain it, I know we've only known each other for a little while, but I can feel it." Was life really supposed to be this good? 


	10. We're On Our Way Home (again)

A/N: This is to anonymous-reviewer-who-I-called-a-stalker. I'm totally sorry for that. I was only joking around. I didn't mean that you were creepy-ass dude. I've just never had that many reviews ever. I was so stoked. Serious. I didn't mean to offend anyone. There is no stalker, nothing of the likes anywhere. ::peers into distance all around:: See one? I don't. I updated just for you. lol  
Bridget  
  
  
  
I couldn't answer him. I didn't know how to. "Lily?..Did I freak you out? I didn't mean to. I, I just wanted to tell you the truth. I just thought you, uh..deserved..." he trailed off. He thought I was shutting him down.  
  
"James, you didn't really freak me out, I'm just trying to take it all in. It's a little hard for me to grasp this, that's all. Believe me, I'm glad you thought I should know the truth, in fact I wouldn't have it any other way." I stopped here. What should I say? Was I supposed to return his previous statement? The question, really, was did I feel strongly enough to say it and mean it.   
  
"Yeah, I get yah. It's a little much at once, I know. I guess I sort of thought you'd understand. Anyway, no matter. I know only yesterday you and I were barely friends. I guess I just... felt... I dunno. Never mind me." He was trying to force the sullen undertones from his statement. He laid his head down next to mine. "One step at a time right?" He fingered my ginger strands and kissed my neck. "I think maybe we've got a few good hours before the sun's intense light is smacking us in the face. When did you say you had to get up? 8?" I nodded. "Alright then, I'm going to try and sleep a little bit." He snuggled close to me and within minutes I heard his breathing, slow and regular. I would never fall back to sleep now. There were far too many things to think about. There were only two days left in the Christmas holiday. I had to work in a few hours. My mother's health was rapidly declining. James loved me. As I thought of this, I turned to face him. His face was expressionless. I knew I had hurt him, no matter what he said. I knew he had never said anything like that to any of the girls he had dated. He wasn't like that. It dawned on me now. I completely understood the gravity of his words now. He really did care. At this point I don't think I could've been happier. I hadn't been this happy since I was 12. I couldn't just sit in bed right now. I had someone who cared about me after I thought I never would again.   
  
I stopped. What had I put him through though? I wouldn't even spend time with him up until yesterday. Yet he waited patiently. I didn't know people could be that way. I took a large quilt and went into the living room. I sat on the couch and started to read with my headphones on. I couldn't keep thinking about it because it made my mind reel. I thought maybe a little reading would be a good distraction.   
  
The next time I looked up it was 7:30. I figured I would go take my shower and get ready for work now. I felt light. Like things weren't so bad, and I knew it. I walked over to the stereo and searched through the CD's. A good wake up song... hmmm. I threw a CD in, skipped to the appropriate song and waited for it to start. I turned it up and ran into the bedroom. I jumped on the bed and started singing along with Paul.   
  
"I got a feeling/ a feeling deep inside o yeah. O yeah/ I got a feeling/ A feeling I can't hide, o no. O no. O no. YEAAAAAAAAAH. YEAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAH. I GOT A FEELIN'" James jumped a foot in the air as I woke him. When his heart was out of his throat and he had calmed himself he started laughing. I continued along. "I GOT A FEELING/ THAT KEEPS ME ON MY TOES, O YEAH/ I GOT A FEELING/ I THINK THAT EVERYBODY KNOWS. O YEAH." He grabbed my legs and swiped them out from under me.   
  
In between laughs he said, "O yeah, what feeling is this? The let's-scare-the-life-out-of-James feeling?" I laughed. I hadn't felt this blithe in years. "Couldn't just let me sleep, huh? Fine, fine." He pushed the comforter off of himself. "No matter anyway, I couldn't really sleep well that second time. I don't know why..." He pulled me closer to him and smiled.   
  
"James I was thinking about what you said." I felt his grip get tighter, like he thought I might jump away from him and change my mind about him. He was just as nervous as I had been about him. It was great, but it was strange to see James Potter this serious about a girl. About me. "Granted, it is rather quick, and we don't really know each other as well as we should, but a lot of that is my fault. We could've gotten to know each other better if I hadn't been so stubborn to have things the way I wanted. God, what a dolt I was..." I muttered this part but James caught it and smiled adoringly. "But that's all in the past, and what I want to pay attention to now is the present. Right now, I can safely say I haven't felt this happy in years. Honestly, I didn't think I would ever again. I want to thank you for helping me to experience it. I also want to thank you for coming when I owled you." I sighed. This part was going to be strange. "I didn't really think, that you cared that much. For a long while I just thought you were intrigued by my twisted life. Then I thought maybe you really did want to be friends. That thought took a while to develop. I guess.. I was afraid... of getting my hopes up. I didn't want them to be crushed because they were so fragile, you know? It's been tough. I didn't think anyone could love me anymore. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think I love you too James." He grinned like the Cheshire cat at this.   
  
"I can't tell you how glad I am that you let your guard down. I know you're still sort of wary which is completely understandable, but I think you're starting to see that I'm not going to be a burden, Lily." He said this more as a reassurance to me than anything else. He kissed me and stroked my head.   
  
"I think I'm going to go take a shower and get ready for work." I took his had from my cheek and kissed it and held it in my own. His hands were so big. They reminded me of Michelangelo's David. Long and slender, rough from working but still delicate and gentle. At that moment I felt his hands could crush rock if they really wanted to. I got up and went to my dresser. The Beatles still blared in the background. I looked to the bed and found that it was empty. James was out in the living room, no doubt looking for something else to put on. Just as I had thought this the music stopped. I smiled inwardly and rolled my eyes. The next two days was going to be plenty interesting. I had no idea what I was doing or what I was in for, but I didn't care anymore. In fact, I began to embrace the fact that the road ahead was as uncertain as I was sometimes. 


	11. We're Going Home

The rest of the morning was rather uneventful compared to what had happened in the pat few days. Every moment alone was spent in contemplation about my mother. I didn't know what to do about it. On the one hand, I knew it was the best thing for her to do. We both knew the chances of her getting a transplant anytime soon were slim to none because her trouble was self-induced. They tend to find donors for those who had no control over it, instead of drinking themselves into the situation. But then, something inside me wanted her to try at least. I guess I wanted to feel like she still had some fight left in her. It was stupid, but I think I wanted her to feel like she should try for me, if not for she. Despite everything that's happened, I still loved her. I don't know how, I know she thought it couldn't happen. That's why she never could stand to talk to me for long periods of time. That's why she didn't stay home very long. She couldn't stand that she had screwed up badly enough to lose her daughters love. But she hadn't realized that she didn't lose my love. She just lost faith in herself.  
  
I pulled myself out of this contemplative trance and continued getting ready for work. James came in and sat down beside me on the bed as I put my shoes on.   
  
"What's wrong?" I don't know whether or not I was that obvious or whether he just had some weird sort of intuition. I didn't want to bug him with my problems though. Though I had told myself that it was ok to talk about things that are bothering you, I still had trouble with it. I shrugged and smiled.   
  
"Nothing, why?" Again, I could feel that he knew. I looked back down at my shoes and finished tying one of them.  
  
"Lily, if you'd rather not talk about it, that's all you have to say. But if you're going to lie you could at least make it slightly convincing." I looked up at him and he was smiling. How could I take that smile off his face? I didn't want to make anyone unhappy and that's what he was asking me to do. Nevertheless, I sighed deeply.  
  
"I guess I'm just thinking about my mum. As you might've guessed she's not doing so well and they said she'll need a transplant if we're to have any hope for the future. She refused. I know it's probably for the best, but I can't help but think...what are her reasons? Why does she think it's best? I know, it's silly, it's just...some of the thing's she said on the phone gave me the impression that she couldn't bare living under her daughter's care. Her daughter that she thinks hates her, and with good reason too. I don't know. I think it's just a really odd situation." I smiled awkwardly at James but immediately began to feel better. I felt like someone actually cared. I felt like I had gotten a big burden off my chest. "But I don't want you to worry or get upset by this." I added quickly, hoping he wouldn't.  
  
"Lil, I worry about you regardless. I'm just really glad you felt you could tell me. Now, you should probably be heading out to work, and I should probably be heading home. I have to shower and call Sirius to tell him about the wild ni-OOF!" I giggled slightly as I elbowed him. I stopped dead in my tracks. I didn't giggle. That's not something that I did. What the hell was coming over me? "Did...you just giggle?" I blushed like mad when he said this and pushed him.  
  
"Shut up, it happens. Just not that often, that's all." He pretended to fall off the bed and remained on the floor.  
  
"Yeah, if not that often equals never." He laughed and I got up and stepped on his stomach. Surprisingly, he didn't even flinch.   
  
"You better quit it and forget that happened, or I'll start jumping." He threw his hands up in defeat and I got off and helped him up. We walked to the kitchen and I started to make breakfast. I had enough time. "You want some? Eggs, sausage, toast, tea?" I was already cracking the eggs.  
  
"Wow, you cook too huh? Is there anything you can't do?" He started fishing through the cabinets for plates and cups and silverware. When the table was set and the food was cooked, we ate in silence. It was the most comfortable silence I had ever shared.   
  
I looked at the clock. "I need to leave pretty soon." James looked back at me almost in shock at the deafening sounds that had broken the perfect silence. He cleared his throat and shook himself out of it.  
  
"I suppose so. What time to do you finish up?" He looked at me.  
  
"Uh...It usually depends on how much of my paperwork I get done before I go. There's usually so much and I usually don't finish with the patients until half an hour later than I expect to so....I usually shoot for somewhere around 7? But it's no matter tonight because I need to shoot up to the hospital and talk to my mother." I had decided, in my periods of contemplation, that there was a serious lack of communication and even if she's not the most stable woman, or the best mother, she's my mother and I figured she had a right to know what I thought. "That way I can grab the car on the way back."  
  
He nodded understandingly. "Alright, well I think I'm going to go home and shower and I'll probably mope around all day waiting to hear from you." He grinned at me as I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Fine, fine. No matter how late I get in, I'll owl you, just so you can stop moping." I smiled and went to clear off my dish and get my coat. After I was ready to go and James was in the doorway too, we both stopped.   
  
"This is strange." He said. I cocked my head to the side.  
  
"How do you mean?"   
  
"Well...what's the etiquette for saying goodbye after a night like this?" I laughed a little and tried to think of something. I really didn't know. But more importantly, something else occurred to me.  
  
"What does it matter, James?" Before he could answer, I kissed him and headed down the hall. "I'll see you later, 


End file.
